Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
