i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
