I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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