Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
