I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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