Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
