shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
