so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
