I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
