Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
