I should be sponsored by Trojan
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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