My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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