I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize