Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
