I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize