I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
