That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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