Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
