yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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