i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
