I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
