Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
