So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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