the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
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