Only a mothe r could love this liver
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
