ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
