God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
