im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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