so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
