I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
