dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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