Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize