we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
