Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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