I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize