Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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