Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize