Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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