How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
