I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
