you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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