I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
