i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
