Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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