Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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