you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
