You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
