So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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