we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
well you can't waste a boner
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
