This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
