i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I need moral support for this bender
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
