i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
