I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
false alarm. still invincible.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
