I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
