I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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