Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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