He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
