I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize