bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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