Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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