The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
