Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
